Letting Things Go

I have a harder time than most, I think, letting posessions go. I have music CD's I never listen to, DVD's I will probably never watch again, and plenty of items in drawers or in storage I have forgotten about that I will probably never use again. And yet, when I look at these items I think, "What if?" What if I could use them again at some point in the future? What if I did need them after I got rid of them? If I give them away, will they be properly taken care of, as I have cared for them?

I'm not a hoarder by any stretch of the imagination, but I definitely have more stuff (junk?) than I need and it affects me psychologically. I think one reason I have such a hard time letting things go is that I grew up poor, and I am still poor. Anything I own is a potential futurure savings if I can somehow use it again, instead of buying something new. The problem with that is that my posessions start to control me in unhealthy ways. I'm not a "your posessions own you" type of person, but I can understand why some people say that.

I watched some of Marie Kondo's Tidying Up series on Netflix and instead of inspiring me, it gave me anxiety. How can people just let things go like that? What if, on some level, everything I own gives me joy? Of course that's not the case, but this is one of the many ways my anxiety lies to me—it decives me into thinking fear of letting something go is at least in part rooted in "joy" of owning it.

Fortunately, there are times when I am able to go through a drawer, or a box, or even a closet and look at several items and wonder, "Why am I still keeping this?" I am learning not to hold on to things that don't serve some real purpose for me, and there are times when I can see something and tell myself that even though it still has use, it doesn't have use for me, and that I should donate it to a thrift store or give it away. The trick is to not immediately fill these empty spaces up again.

I probably shouldn't be as hard on myself about this as I tend to be, because reusing and repurposing things instead of getting rid of them has its own merit, as long as I don't let these potentially reusable items clutter my life and cause mental distress. I'm also limited by my health in how much I can physically do, and often there are other priorities over decluttering.

On Support Networks

Having a support system is important for everybody, but it's critical for those who struggle with physical and mental health problems. I probably would not have survived to this point in my life without my support network; my family and friends are very important to me, and I deeply appreciate them.

I struggle with the need to depend on others, and even after years—decades—I still find myself trying not to lean on others when I should be asking for their support. Relying on others, even when whey they genuinely want me to depend on them, is one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn in my life.

I try to be supportive of the people in my life, not because I feel like I owe it to them, but because I genuinely care for them and want their happiness. However, sometimes I feel like I take more than I give and I fear people will resent me for it. I don't hold it against anybody if they tell me they need a break from the challenges I present.

There have been plenty of people who have come into my life and gone not long afterward, and I wonder if my individual struggles and needs drove many or most of them off. I'm sure there have been some people that just couldn't be what I needed—or I couldn't be what they needed—and I regret that.

There are some sources of support that I need to learn to utilize better, such as the support systems my church has developed. I also need to learn better how to ask for help, and to recognize what my needs are, especially those that others can help me with.

There was a time when my support network was a lot weaker than it is now, and it made me appreciate how difficult it can be for those that have little or no support in their lives when they most need it. My heart goes out to those who struggle and suffer.

To those who have been there for me: Thank you. To those I have failed: I am sorry.

"What do you do?" and the Need to be Useful

Since I have physical and mental health limitations I can't be traditionally employed, and I spend most of my time at home. This has challenged my sense of self-worth and left me wondering whether I am a useful, contributing member of society. Being dependent on others is challenging and at times demoralizing.

Some would say I shouldn't measure my self-worth based on these kinds of things, but it's difficult not to, and I feel like I need to find ways to support myself and contribute to others' well-being.

One of the ways I have done that is by working on Amazon Mechanical Turk (MTurk). Unfortunately it is very difficult to earn any substantial amount of money on MTurk—I earn well below minimum wage—and it keeps me tied to my computer all day on most days, making it even harder for me to contribute in other ways.

That said, MTurk is almost the only way I've found to earn money while working around my other daily needs, so in many ways I feel fortunate that MTurk is available to me; it has allowed me to contribute financially the household in minor ways, and enabled me to pay some of my own expenses.

Unfortunately it can be very uncomfortable to answer the question, "What do you do?" because MTurk is far from prestigious work, and I have to explain the whole system every time someone new asks that question. Sometimes I gloss over the fact that I earn so little, but that's not always possible, especially when I'm asked how much I make on MTurk. I know most people are just interested and curious, but a part of me dreads having to answer these questions, especially in social situations that are already difficult for me due to my social anxiety.

I have tried contributing to technical support forums online, such as the Stack Exchange network, and I enjoy contributing minor things to open source projects, such as Vim, but there's a limit to what I can contribute, because I am unfortunately not an expert at anything. I also help moderate a few small subreddits. These are small but sometimes significant accomplishments for me, but they don't lead to rewards beyond the intangible.

I am trying to learn to notice my successes more, and not dwell on my limitations and failures as much. It's a difficult skill to develop.

Clean Air, Clean Mind: Study Ties Air Pollution To Depression, Suicide Risk:

The study used data from 16 countries in what authors say is the first systematic review and meta-analysis of links between fine particulate matter — small airborne particles including dust and soot — and various mental health problems. By the researchers’ calculations, if the relationship between depression, suicide, and air pollution is causal, then lessening the world-wide average exposure to fine particulate matter from 44 micrograms per meter cubed (μg/m3) to 25 μg/m3 would cause a 15% reduction in the global risk of depression.